Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dolph Lungren IS The Killing Machine

I believe that's the real title of this direct-to-DVD epic, since there's a "behind the scenes of 'Dolph Lungren Is The Killing Machine'" feature included. I don't think this one requires much of a review... Dolph is a former KGB assassin who continues to do hits while posing as a real estate salesman in Vancouver B.C. It's never really explained, but somehow he gets under kingpin and former best-buddy Bo Svenson's skin, so Bo sends out an army of killers with tragically bad aim to take Dolph down.

Three points of interest: one, they actually let Vancouver B.C. play as Vancouver B.C. Usually filmmakers screw a few New York license plates on passing cars and to pretend Vancouver is somewhere else, but not this time. Kudos for displaying this lovely city at its best, director Lungren!

Two, I really hope that if my past as a mass-murdering Russian hitman is revealed after my ex-wife's new boyfriend is murdered in front of her eyes, my ex will be as forgiving as Dolph's. And boy, this gal is REALLY forgiving. I envision a sequel where the ghost of her dead boyfriend comes back from the grave and says "hey, I'm dead two hours and you're already getting it on with the guy responsible for my murder?! Sheesh!"

Three, would somebody please get me the number of the employment agency where Lungren's family found their nanny? Multiple choice question: When Dolph is forced to slaughter a half dozen mob assassins (including shoving one of them eye-first onto the shaft of a bar-bell) in front of his 8 year old daughter and Hispanic nanny, does the nanny

a) Run away screaming and call the police?

b) Seriously, run away screaming and call the police?

c) Meekly tell her mass murdering employer that she'll take care of his little girl, up to and including going to a safe-house run by other Russian mobsters?

If you guessed C, you win! I guess jobs really ARE hard to get these days.

"Dolph Lungren is the Killing Machine" gets three out of five Charles Bronsons from yours truly. Unlike most of these direct-to-DVD epics at least this one has plenty o' action, reasonable production values and a hardcore stoic "hero." And it's only 90 minutes...