TODAY ON FAST FORWARD THEATER: Steven Seagal in "Code of Honor." How could I not go for this after reading this overheated blurb on the the back of the (budget priced!) blu-ray box: "When his family is killed in a drive-by shooting, Robert Sikes (Steven Seagal, "Above The Law"), a former Special Ops operative, vows to rid his city of every last criminal." Every one?! Take my $6.99!
The movie opens with a lengthy sequence of a silent (and huge) Seagal perched on a water-tower, using a sniper rifle to slaughter a bunch of conveniently gathered mobsters/gang-bangers doing a drug deal. Slaughter over, in come the cops, who don't know if they should arrest the vigilante or "give him a medal." An FBI man (played by Craig Shaffer, a LONG way from "The Program") with ties to Sikes starts looking for him. Okay, time to FAST FORWARD.... Sikes goes to a strip club, smokes a cigar, then leaves and triggers a bomb that somehow kills a bunch of mobsters but only leaves cartoon-type soot on the strippers. FAST FORWARD... FBI Man Shaffer confronts Sikes, who in a weird Cajun-ish accent talks about being a hero. FAST FORWARD... Sikes shoots a bunch of drug dealers, including one who for some reason is playing next to a puddle with an electrical wire (!). He gets shot AND zapped! FAST FORWARD... Sikes lures a newsman and his cameraman into an alley by promising them a story. The cameraman looks nervous and Sikes says, "don't worry, I know you're just working for the man." Then Sikes pulls a knife and throws it into the cameraman's neck, killing him. The Newsman is upset, "you promised no weapons!" Ha ha, Sikes fooled him - he said no GUNS. He throws a second knife into the Newsman. No story tonight. FAST FORWARD... somehow everybody's wound up in a warehouse, where Sikes and FBI Guy Shaffer (who turns out NOT to be FBI, but a fake!) have the dullest knife fight in cinematic history... FAST FORWARD... Seagal has another bomb and blows everything up. Then for some story reason I missed in my fast forward frenzy, a hooker and her kid walk off into the sunset. THE END.
Code of Honor gets six FAST FORWARDS from me, which means I probably only actually watched about 25 minutes of it -- which is a better percentage than most of Seagal's recent pictures. If you crave a Punisher movie but hate character development, real action and have always wondered what a 400 lb. former Karate champ would look like in battle, this is for you!
Happy New Year!!